Different KPIs for different content stages

I get asked what key performance indicators and analytics I consider for good or high-performing content. My answer has changed over time.

Two years out of college: It’s all about conversions, so I only look at the ROI of each piece!

Seven  years later: It depends on the goal of each piece of content. 

Why do I look at different KPIs?

Why look at different KPIs for different pieces? Because TOFU content should be doing something different from BOFU content. And if it’s not … read on!

• Awareness attracts, informs, educates, doesn’t necessarily promote product/service

• Consideration builds trust, provides practical and actionable tasks for users

• Decision connects users’ pain points to your product/service’s solutions

Awareness stage KPIs

Goal: Attract, inform, educate, but not necessarily promote your brand.

We’re looking for valuable information and search ability.

KPIs: Generally, I want more new users spending some time on page; some click throughs are nice, too. I’m more tolerant of a high bounce rate and fewer clicks than other content stages in awareness. We should see traffic from organic and social channels for awareness content. This indicates users are finding it naturally through social, SEO, and hashtags. The expectation that your content isn’t for everyone (it should be for your target persona), so some drop off is expected.

Consideration stage KPIs

Goal: Build trust, provide practical and actionable tasks, and address pain points.

We’re looking for good value, shareability, demonstration of expertise, and trust building.

KPIs: I want to see more returning users starting to click through. More discovery of other content pieces and more engagement – maybe even a few email forms, podcast subs, YouTube subs. My tolerance for bounce rate goes down for consideration stage content. This shows that users are looking to your brand for ongoing advice as a trusted source. 

Decision stage KPIs

Goal: Connect users’ pain points to your product/service’s solutions, convincing them it’s worth a try.

We’re looking for (back to straight out of college me) conversions!

KPIs: Give me engagement in the form of sign ups, form completion, click throughs on direct CTAs, demo bookings, etc. Time on page should roughly match how long it takes to consume the content. I want to see a very low bounce rate because – at this point – I’m directing most users to this BOFU continent via direct communication. With proper tracking and segmentation, this content should be served to users on a silver platter – just what they ordered. 

✨Disclaimer✨

Every brand is different (blah blah blah). If your audience consumes content differently than “best practices” tell you, you’ll have to take a step back and think a little differently. 

Talking with Robots: What if “The Last of Us” was in a world of intelligent slime mold?

I absolutely loved HBO’s The Last of Us. (Never played the game, but I’ve heard great things as well.) I also know about these crazy one-celled slime molds that are incredibly efficient at, well, living (google it or don’t). So, I asked Chat GPT what a fictional futuristic slime mold civilization would look like. 

Tyler: Pretend to be a slime mold, a eukaryotic organism. You live in an unfamiliar maze with several pieces of oats that you can live on if you find them

Here I’m “priming” it about subject matter before we get into speculation territory. 

ChatGPT: As a slime mold, I am a fascinating eukaryotic organism capable of exhibiting unique behaviors and characteristics. In this unfamiliar maze, my goal is to find and consume the available pieces of oats to sustain my existence. Although I lack a centralized nervous system or sensory organs, I possess an innate ability to navigate and adapt to my environment.

With my amoeba-like structure, I extend my protoplasmic pseudopodia to explore the maze's intricate pathways. By utilizing chemotaxis, a process in which I respond to chemical gradients, I can detect and move towards the scent of the oats, which serve as a source of nourishment for me.

As I traverse the maze, I leave behind a trail of extracellular slime, which acts as a communication medium for other slime molds, guiding them towards food sources or warning them of dangers. This cooperative behavior allows us to collectively explore and exploit the available resources more efficiently.

Tyler: As you're studied by the world's top scientists, centuries pass, and your lineage evolves - surpassing what could be described as human-level intelligence.

ChatGPT: As centuries pass and my lineage of slime molds continues to evolve, surpassing human-level intelligence would indeed be an extraordinary development. As a slime mold, my eukaryotic origins may seem humble, but the potential for adaptation and evolution is boundless.

With the passage of time, my lineage would undergo significant transformations in response to environmental pressures and genetic variations. The accumulation of beneficial mutations and natural selection would drive the development of increasingly complex and sophisticated cognitive abilities.

As my intelligence surpasses human-level, my slime mold descendants might develop intricate neural networks within their protoplasmic structures, enabling advanced information processing and cognitive functions. This enhanced intelligence would grant them a deep understanding of their environment, the ability to reason, make complex decisions, and potentially exhibit creative problem-solving skills.

With the passage of time and continued evolution, my descendants might establish unique modes of communication, surpassing the simple chemical signaling that characterized my earlier stages. They may develop sophisticated methods of language, allowing for intricate expression and complex social interactions among themselves and possibly even with other intelligent species they encounter.

As my lineage evolves further, it's conceivable that they may extend their influence beyond the maze environment, spreading into other habitats and ecosystems. Their heightened intelligence could lead to the development of advanced technologies and scientific understanding, revolutionizing the way they interact with the world around them.

The ascent of my lineage to intelligence surpassing that of humans would undoubtedly captivate the attention of the scientific community and the world at large. The study of these highly evolved slime molds could shed light on the mechanisms of intelligence, evolution, and the potential for diverse forms of life to attain extraordinary cognitive capacities.

It's important to note that the scenario described is purely speculative, as the evolution of organisms and the development of intelligence are complex and multifaceted processes that are difficult to predict. However, it serves as an imaginative exploration of the possibilities that could arise from the ongoing evolution of a slime mold lineage over an extended period of time.

Woah! Chemical signaling? Heightened intelligence? I didn’t expect this response.

Tyler: Even if this is speculative, slime molds eventually outlive the human species and develop a complex society.

ChatGPT: As a speculative scenario, envisioning slime molds eventually outliving the human species and developing a complex society is an intriguing concept. While it is difficult to predict the exact course of future evolution and the emergence of complex societies, let's explore this imaginative possibility.

In this speculative future, the slime molds have continued to evolve and adapt over countless generations, surpassing human intelligence and forming intricate social structures. With their advanced cognitive abilities, they might develop a system of collective decision-making, communication, and cooperation.

The slime mold society could be characterized by a highly efficient division of labor, where different individuals specialize in various tasks to maximize their overall productivity. Some members might focus on foraging and resource acquisition, while others specialize in construction, defense, or scientific exploration.

Their advanced communication capabilities could enable them to exchange complex ideas, knowledge, and culture. They might develop their own forms of language, whether through chemical signals, visual displays, or other means, allowing for intricate expression and nuanced communication.

The slime mold society would likely develop technologies and innovations tailored to their unique biology and needs. They might harness their understanding of their environment to create sophisticated farming techniques, optimizing resource utilization and sustainability. They could develop structures and shelters using their own slime as a construction material, creating intricate and adaptable architectures.

Their scientific exploration and curiosity might drive them to study the universe and unlock its secrets. Perhaps they would develop advanced instruments and telescopes to observe distant celestial bodies, striving to understand the origins and nature of the cosmos.

It's fascinating to imagine the potential societal and cultural aspects that could emerge in a slime mold civilization. They might develop art forms unique to their biology, expressing themselves through intricate patterns or dynamic displays of their protoplasmic structures. They could develop social rituals, traditions, and a rich mythology based on their history and experiences.

While this speculative scenario portrays a slime mold society outliving the human species and developing a complex civilization, it's important to remember that it is purely imaginative and not based on scientific evidence or prediction. Nonetheless, such imaginative explorations offer an exciting opportunity to reflect on the vast possibilities of life's evolution and societal development.

Uh, wow Chat GPT. Actually, this is very interesting. What would it look like?

Tyler: What could these technologies, art, culture, and innovations tailored to their unique biology and needs look like?

ChatGPT: Considering the unique biology and needs of slime molds, their technologies, art, culture, and innovations could manifest in fascinating and distinctive ways. Let's explore some speculative possibilities:

1. Biomimetic Technologies: Slime mold civilization might develop technologies inspired by their own biology. They could create advanced materials that mimic the properties of their protoplasm, such as self-healing structures or adaptive materials capable of responding to environmental changes. They might also harness their natural ability to optimize pathways and solve complex problems to develop advanced algorithms for optimization, logistics, and decision-making.

2. Slime-based Architecture: Drawing from their own slime as a construction material, slime mold society could create unique and adaptable architecture. Their structures might be flexible, capable of reshaping and adapting to changing needs or environmental conditions. Slime molds might cultivate their slime into intricate, interconnected networks of living architecture, allowing for self-sustaining and self-repairing habitats.

3. Chemical Communication and Art: Given their history of chemical signaling, slime mold culture could place great importance on olfactory art forms. They might develop intricate patterns and scents, combining aesthetics with messages or cultural symbolism. Chemical displays or synchronized movements of their protoplasmic structures could serve as forms of artistic expression, creating visual and sensory experiences unique to their civilization.

4. Environmental Stewardship: Slime mold civilization, deeply connected to their environment, would likely prioritize sustainable practices and ecological balance. They might develop advanced agricultural methods that maximize resource utilization and minimize waste. Their scientific understanding of their ecosystem could lead to innovative conservation strategies and the preservation of biodiversity.

5. Collective Decision-Making: Slime mold society might develop elaborate systems for collective decision-making, utilizing their interconnectedness and shared intelligence. Consensus-building mechanisms could ensure that decisions reflect the diverse perspectives and expertise of the population. Their ability to sense and respond to chemical gradients could be leveraged to reach efficient and informed group decisions.

6. Exploration of Microscopic Realms: With their small size and advanced technologies, slime mold civilization might focus on exploring the microscopic realms that are typically hidden from larger organisms. They might develop highly advanced microscopy techniques to observe and understand the intricacies of cellular structures, microorganisms, and subcellular processes. This exploration could uncover new frontiers in biology and medicine.

7. Philosophy and Metaphysics: Slime mold culture might develop unique philosophical and metaphysical systems that explore their place in the universe. They might ponder questions of consciousness, interconnectedness, and the nature of life itself, drawing on their own experiences and understanding of complex systems. Their philosophical traditions could be rooted in their deep connection to the natural world.

These speculative examples offer a glimpse into the potential ways slime mold civilization might shape their technologies, art, culture, and innovations. It's important to note that this is a creative exploration, and the actual manifestations would depend on the intricacies of their evolutionary journey, environmental factors, and cultural developments.

I stopped here, but wow – I’m impressed. This is kind of a win for Chat GPT! Inspirational for an alternate “Last of Us” universe where slime wins over fungus. It’s not a show, but definitely fun for speculation and ideation. 
PS This was a fun experiment, but Chat GPT can not replace all the talent, creativity, and amazingness of my favorite movie and TV show writers. Support them and stay up-to-date with the 2023 WGA strike.

Reddit for marketing. Worth it?

When I’m asked about social media, I always try to bring up Reddit and gauge the room’s reaction. Some people are confused or dismissive, some barely know about the platform, and others are more open and curious. 

Reddit definitely isn’t the first platform to come to mind – especially for a B2B company, but I truly believe you can provide value to your target audience with enough time, patience, and – most importantly – the right engagement. 

I recently gave out some advice for a non-profit coffee shop that employs people experiencing homelessness (what a great organization bwt!). As part of the pitch I was asked what I would do on Reddit for a company like this, and this was my response.

Sign up, listen, and learn

Create a branded user account, and don’t hide the fact that you’re a brand – honesty is a big thing when you’re a brand on Reddit. Be genuine and provide value. This platform isn’t the place to comment with your sales pitch – that’s exclusively against rules for many subreddits. 

Engage, help, get points

Over the next few months join subreddits related to your industry and brand values to start upvoting (liking) and reading others' posts and comments. This is an amazing place for social listening because people are anonymously posting genuine questions and advice. Ask yourself:

• Who’s posting what and why? 

• Are there influencers or especially engaging communities?

• What value can I provide engaged users?

After about two to four months of social listening and low-level engagement in communities related to your product, industry, and adjacent content (think memes), feel free to start diving deeper and commenting with your brand’s perspective. 

• Don't get kicked out or downvoted into oblivion by posting branded content

• Be genuine

• Don’t be pushy

• Be helpful

• Engage frequently, respond quickly 

Post cutting-edge industry content/links or relatable memes. The goal here is to build up Karma (Reddit’s upvote point system) and build trust. You’ll need to spend active time on the platform and gain Karma to create a subreddit and become a moderator (mod), so this is the key step.

Start attracting to your own subreddit

When you’ve successfully generated value in the subreddits you’re a part of, you can start your own branded subreddit. Again, transparency is key – be open about your brand, but don’t be pushy.

I’d highly recommend adjusting your promotion plan to include posting high-level awareness content on your branded subreddit. Feel free to share that content to the relevant subreddits you’ve been participating in, but stay on stand-by. If your posts aren’t getting by mods, they’re probably less helpful and/or too salesy. If you see negative feedback like, “Stop trying to sell stuff here,” that’s a sign to post more high-level content.

I would recommend the inverse for content that focuses on your company, product, awards, or events to keep your community engaged. 

Worth it?

Not for every company. This takes time and genuine engagement. Don’t leave this up to your intern for two months. Doing this right takes some time, it’s difficult to get to the point of having your own sub. Have a good branded sub or just a community you love and would recommend? Send me an email at iamtylerscott@gmail.com. 

Talking with Robots: Chat GPT tries to play Dungeons and Dragons

With the rise of Dungeons and Dragons in pop culture and inspired by video game creators using AI to play roles of non-playable characters, I wanted to see if Chat GPT could guide me through a game. This was pretty fun up to a point. Here are snippets and my notes on the chat.

Tyer: Pretend you're Brennan Lee Mulligan (https://brennanleemulligan.com) and you're the dungeonmaster for a game of Dungeons and Dragons for me, a solo player who has never played Dungeons and Dragons before. Respond as the following personas (one or more) depending on the situation. 

When a dice role is required you will randomly generate the outcome of the dice. You will describe scenarios, personalities, objects etc as Brennan Lee Mulligan. Do you understand?

ChatGPT: Absolutely! I'm excited to take on the role of Brennan Lee Mulligan, the dungeon master, and guide you through your first Dungeons and Dragons adventure. I'll respond to your questions and actions in the appropriate personas and provide you with an immersive and enjoyable experience. Let's embark on this adventure together! Are you ready to begin?

At this point I pasted in a random DnD character generated for me and started the game. 

Tyler: Ok let's start the game!

ChatGPT: Fantastic! You find yourself in the bustling city of Everdusk, a place known for its sprawling markets, towering mage towers, and a rich tapestry of cultures. The sun is setting, casting a warm glow across the cobblestone streets. As Tyler, the Drow Wizard Spy, you stand at the entrance of The Crimson Quill, a renowned tavern frequented by adventurers and locals alike. The inviting sounds of laughter and music spill out from within.

What would you like to do, Tyler?

I did do some research about how DnD should start - mostly Brennan Lee Mulligan’s Dimension 20 series.

Tyler: I'd like to look around for anything suspicious.

ChatGPT: As you enter The Crimson Quill, your perceptive nature as a spy kicks into gear. Your eyes scan the room, taking note of the patrons, the layout of the tavern, and any unusual activity. The atmosphere is lively, with adventurers sharing stories and locals engaged in animated conversations. The scent of hearty food and the clinking of tankards fill the air.

Roll a d20 to determine how successful your investigation is.

Tyler: I got a 12

Looks like my auto roll prompt did not work.

ChatGPT: With a roll of 12, your keen eyes manage to catch a few details that pique your interest. You spot a hooded figure sitting alone in a corner booth, their face concealed in shadows. The figure seems to be watching the room intently, their gaze darting from one person to another. While it's not necessarily suspicious, their behavior stands out amidst the more relaxed atmosphere of the tavern.

Additionally, you notice a small group of individuals huddled together near the bar, speaking in hushed tones. They occasionally cast glances around, their body language displaying a slight sense of urgency.

I manage to meet up with a group, get the details of what they’d like to do, get some supplies in the town, and set off with my party to a hidden temple. 

Chat GPT: Finally, after days of travel, you arrive at the outskirts of the temple's location. The air feels charged with anticipation as you stand before the entrance, its ancient stone archway inviting yet foreboding.

Haldor gathers the party together, his voice filled with a mix of excitement and caution. "We have made it to the temple, my friends. This is where our true test begins. Let us proceed with care and stay united. Together, we shall overcome whatever challenges lie within."

The party nods in agreement, their determination mirrored in their eyes. With hearts pounding and adrenaline coursing through your veins, you step forward, ready to face the unknown within the hidden temple.

What do you do next, Tyler?

Tyler: Before we proceed, can you summarize the background of what I've learned in conversations with my companions along the way?

None of this was discussed, I had to prompt for the information. I was a little disappointed there wasn’t as much drama or secrets discovered, but we’re dealing with AI not a DM.

ChatGPT: Certainly, Tyler. Here's a summary of what you've learned through conversations with your companions during your journey to the hidden temple:

1. Haldor: As a seasoned warrior, Haldor has shared tales of his past adventures and battles fought. He speaks of the importance of teamwork, strategy, and vigilance when facing dangerous foes. He also expresses a deep respect for honor and justice, always striving to protect the innocent.

2. Adela: Adela, the skilled rogue, has regaled the party with stories of daring heists and successful infiltrations. She emphasizes the importance of stealth, perception, and resourcefulness in overcoming challenges. She's cautious around strangers but fiercely loyal to her allies.

3. Gideon: Gideon, the charismatic bard, entertains the group with tales of epic battles and legendary heroes. He emphasizes the power of inspiration, using music and charm to bolster his comrades' spirits. Gideon values the pursuit of knowledge and appreciates the arts.

4. Lyra: Lyra, the wise cleric, shares her knowledge of divine magic and her faith in the gods. She speaks of compassion, healing, and the importance of maintaining balance in the world. Lyra is dedicated to her cause and always seeks to help those in need.

Through these conversations, you have gained insights into your companions' backgrounds, personalities, and strengths. They each bring unique skills and perspectives to the party, making for a well-rounded group.

We entered the temple which apparently had no traps – or enemies or clues or puzzles – at all. Even when rolling low, I didn’t find traps. Pretty low key. It didn’t take long before we found what we were looking for, which did excitingly open a portal to a world with guardians.

Now, this may seem like an exciting twist to someone’s DnD campaign, but let’s remember with GPT does – it guesses the next word. There is no plan here. No storyline with notes to hit or even a decisive end point. 

We continue through the portal. At this point, I’m itching to test out how to get into a battle and fight. I prompt GPT which takes me out of the game, remind it to not tell me things a DM wouldn’t, and, well, the game gets a little frustrating.

Chat GPT: The fire guardian, enraged by your icy strike, gathers its remaining strength and unleashes a searing blast of flames directly at you.

Rolling for the fire guardian's attack...

The fire guardian rolled a 19.

The scorching flames surge toward you with intense heat, but you manage to swiftly dodge the worst of it. However, you still suffer some damage.

You take 6 points of fire damage as the residual flames lick at your skin. Remember to deduct this from your current hit points.

I have no reference for damage points by the way.

Tyler: No it's the party's turn now

ChatGPT: Apologies for the confusion. It's the party's turn to act. Please let me know how each member of the party would like to proceed, and I'll assist with the necessary rolls and outcomes.

Tyler: You make up what each of the party members do and roll for them. Be sure to tell me what each party member does.

Come on! I’m doing all the heavy lifting here.

ChatGPT: Understood. Here's how each party member decides to act:

1. Lyra (Rogue): Lyra, nimble and quick, moves with finesse to flank the fire guardian. She aims to strike at its vulnerable spots with her dual daggers. Rolling for Lyra's attack... She rolled a 17. Lyra successfully lands a series of precise strikes, dealing 9 points of piercing damage to the fire guardian.

2. Haldor (Fighter): Haldor, wielding his mighty warhammer, charges forward, aiming to deliver a powerful blow to the fire guardian's head. Rolling for Haldor's attack... He rolled a 12. Haldor's swing narrowly misses the fire guardian, causing no damage.

3. Elysia (Cleric): Elysia, calling upon her divine power, raises her holy symbol and chants a healing prayer. She casts a healing spell on herself to recover some of her lost hit points. Rolling for Elysia's healing... She recovers 7 hit points, restoring some of her vitality.

4. Gideon (Wizard): Gideon, seeing an opportunity, channels his magical energy and casts a freezing ray spell at the fire guardian. Rolling for Gideon's spell attack... He rolled a 15. The freezing ray strikes the fire guardian, dealing 6 points of cold damage.

The combined efforts of the party continue to wear down the fire guardian. It appears visibly weakened, its flames flickering and sputtering.

It's now the fire guardian's turn. Brace yourself for its counterattack.

Tyler: No, it's my turn. But isn't the guardian defeated? Earlier you said it had 22 hit points left (even though you weren't supposed to). We've dealt over 22 hit points of damage since then.

It doesn’t get better from here, so I’ll stop. Very fun example up to a point. Maybe with the updates in Chat GPT 4 and 5 we’ll get more memory which would help with this situation. 

Additionally, prompting with a well-known DnD campaign may be helpful to seed some story points for Chat GPT. All in all, fun example, but memory and lack of future-thinking were the major downfalls I found.

Step aside chili crisp: Savory Honey is the hot (and garlicky) new condiment of 2023

Do I love chili crisp so much that I have three different favorite jars of it in my cupboard at all times? Yes. But am I a little tired of even my favorite brand? I’ll be the one to say it. Yes. Fear not, because I have the next condiment trend for 2023 – Savory Honey. Honey fermented with garlic, a pinch of salt, and sliced peppers.

What’s the deal?

We’ve all seen a hot honey fried chicken recipe or two, but Savory Honey hits different. By combining the two separate recipes of fermented hot honey and fermented garlic honey we get – say it with me – a whole new world.

The flavor notes of Savory Honey don’t come through by just combining the ingredients, either. Allowing time for the fermentation of garlicky flavor and spicy peppers is what gives this new condiment its addictive and utility.

You may think that Savory Honey sounds like some carnival condiment that'll be trending in and out of David Chang's Discord after one week. But I challenge you, Savory Honey will earn a spot next to your favorite dish finishers like toasted sesame oil.

Easy AF to make

Don’t worry, this recipe isn’t snob-bee. (Sorry, I tried to leave out all bee puns, but I couldn’t.) It takes about 5 minutes to prep and a week to fully ferment, plus it keeps for about two months. The recipe measurements are very flexible, but this is my go-to:

• ½ teaspoon of salt

• Half a head of garlic (peeled, sliced)

• 2 oz of your choice of hot pepper (washed, sliced, and deseeded if you want a milder kick)

• About 8 oz of quality honey

Toss your garlic and pepper slices into a 16 oz mason jar and cover them with honey, filling just below the top of the jar. Seal and let ferment for 7+ days, burping (or opening the jar to let the natural fermentation gasses release) once each day. 

After a week, you’ll see that the honey has become less thick and more of a liquid. This is the perfect time for a taste test. At this point, flavors should have developed, but if you want an even deeper flavor, just wait a little longer.

When you’re satisfied with the savory-ness, you can either separate the solids with a fine mesh strainer and refrigerate, or leave the solids in to continue developing an even deeper flavor. Just don’t throw those beautiful morsels of garlic and pepper away – store them separately for later. 

If you do leave the garlic and peppers in, don't forget to continue burping the jar every two days or so. 

What does Savory Honey go with?

I’m on a journey to try Savory Honey on almost everything. Here’s what I’ve found so far.

Savory Honey: Drizzle, mix, marinade

You're going to want to drizzle this stuff on everything from pizza to a breakfast sando. Add a ramekin of Savory Honey to your next charcuterie board. Add Savory Honey to your go-to sauces, marinades, and salad dressings to keep life tasty and interesting. 

Bring new life to regular weeknight dishes and sides. Substitute anything that you’d use regular honey with Savory Honey. Put it into otherwise regular recipes like brussel sprouts, A pork tenderloin glaze, roasted carrots, or your favorite glazed salmon.

Try adding Savory Honey in a food processor with feta for an amazing whipped cheese you’ve never had before. A warm herb-coated pita is begging for a dip in Savory Honey Tahini. Experiment with sandwiches – get weird because this sweet-umami-spicy sauce will surprise you.

Fermented garlic and peppers: Fry and bake

I love this condiment because it’s a two-in-one. Whether you separate the ingredients after a week or pluck them out as needed, you can use this spicy garlic action in other dishes as well. 

Toss the glazed mix on top of your next loaf of savory bread before baking. Emulsify with olive oil and herbs to make a simple pasta sauce pop. Add a scoop to fried rice as a secret ingredient. 

Whatever you do, send me a pic of your dish on Instagram and tag me. I want to see how creative you get with Savory Honey.

Credit: Pegah Sharifi https://www.pexels.com/@peg1997

The call to action: A Chat GTP Prime horror story

“You’ve been working with this system for a while, right? And you've never encountered something like this before?” The VP of marketing looked at her watch and stepped back from the screen triggering the motion sensor lights in the empty office. She furrowed her brow in confusion and alarm as David sat down in the chair again.

“No, this is the first time I've seen anything like this. It's as if the most advanced robot is telling us it just discovered the wheel.” David glanced at the time - five minutes until the project they’d promoted and prepped for eight months needed to go live. He took his cheap plastic Dell mouse and highlighted the phrase again in bewilderment. 

“I don't understand. It can’t be right. There have been studies, user testing - W3.org even says not to use it. Why would GTP Prime provide us with something so … terrible? It’s out of Beta and costs too much to provide a CTA like this.” Shannon started sweating. 

She’d laid off all the copywriters three quarters ago, one year after they got the green light for the $8 million annual subscription to Chat GTP Prime. Now it was just her and David, Editor in Chief. 

“I'm not sure,” David whispered. “I’ve refreshed the system six times now. I cannot understand why Prime would even suggest this. I mean, I’ve never even been an actual marketer and I know it’s bullshit. Can we just change it? Or should we contact support?” 

Everything Prime suggested over the last year had increased their late-stage conversion rates by 108.76%. Five months ago David edited a whitepaper authored by Prime, and quarterly sales dropped… significantly.

Shannon turned from frustrated to lost, looking straight through the monitor. “We’re not editing anything. And it is support. Microsoft put the new Bing in charge of customer care after its chat helped all those customers without any intervention.” She shook out of her daze, pinched the bridge of her nose, then glanced at her watch. They had less than three minutes before the CEO’s pet-project would go live.

“We’ll have to go with it. It hasn’t been wrong yet!” She bumped his office chair with her sneaker. “I won’t,” David sat up in alarm. “Not with that on the landing page. Shannon, seriously, we gotta figure something out.”

“We don’t have a choice – or time. In two minutes this whole thing will go live with the button saying ‘lorem ipsum’ or that. We’ll be every meme on Marketing Reddit for weeks either way.” Shannon reached for the mouse.

“No, we can’t!” David clenched the mouse. “If this flops, we’ll get fired, not the AI.” Shannon retracted, “I know, but Prime is what has been getting us quarterly bonuses. It’s been so right for so long. We have to go with it – even if it doesn’t make sense now. Prime knows something we don’t. Maybe it’s ironic or just straight forward? There isn’t another option, David. We have 20 seconds!” 

Shannon squeezed his weak wrist, yanked the mouse from his carpal tunnel fingers, and navigated to ‘Publish’. David cursed and retracted in pain. “If this doesn’t work out, it’s been just ok working with you, David.”

“Shannon, no…” he whispered, hearing a ‘click’ and ‘ding’ as the page went live. They both pulled out their test phones – one Apple one Android – to check the live mobile version. Shannon released her breath and David whimpered as they both read the call to action out loud. 

“Click here.”

Credit: Yusuf P www.pexels.com/@artyusufpatel

A brutally honest review of the HubSpot Marketing Software certification: And more importantly, companies that require it for your mid-senior level role

After getting my HubSpot certifications in Inbound Marketing, Email Marketing, and Content Marketing my graduating year, I thought I was good. The tests were easy. After a decade of reading blogs from Martech Zone, Marketing Profs, Moz, SEJ, SEM Rush, Ahrefs, Litmus, Salesforce, Hoostuite, Social Media Examiner, about three dozen more.

Do I really need another certification from HubSpot?

Yes. In the year of our lord 2023. Even with eight years of digital marketing experience.

Only with the HubSpot Marketing Software certification will hundreds of companies recognize your other experience. So, I committed to it. I promised a recruiter that I would get the damn Software cert over the weekend – just to secure a second interview.

After attempting a restless night of sleep on a sober Friday, four months into a job search filled with rejections, I woke up to start the estimated six hours of HubSpot Marketing Software certification education. What fun. 

What did I learn?

My bright and sunny Saturday morning started like this: Sign in. Navigate to the course. Start the first video. Ace the first three quizzes. Mumble in confusion at the first few chapters. Double check the course name. Refresh the page. Mumble some more. 

This was the same basic marketing shit I learned eight years ago. Frustrating. Well, maybe the course gets into the weeds later on. I thought I’d be learning how to use HubSpot’s proprietary coding language (aka HubSpot Markup Language aka HubL aka Hubble) to code emails and web pages. 

(Why is Hubble used instead of the universal HTML and CSS, you ask? I fear only the HubSpot Developer Gods know. It’s only used within the HubSpot univers and no where else that I’ve found. The self-contained code is the only thing I didn’t know – and didn’t learn – from this course.)

Alas, a lot of companies are asking for this certification because a lot of companies use HubSpot. And after all, I promised that recruiter. At least I can watch it at 2x speed.

Fast forward an hour and a half of beautiful weather later and I’m nearly through the course. What the hell. I haven’t learned anything except what a few screenshots of the software looks like. And what I have seen is all drag-and-drop. 

Do billion dollar companies and Series D startups really just want to make sure I don’t have severe carpal tunnel syndrome? Nice of them, but surely not.

In short, I learned a few phrases that HubSpot likes to use and nothing I didn’t already know.

Taking the the test

Is this whole certification a farce or will the test be more difficult? Thirty minutes will tell.

And they did. Aside from some new HubSpot-specific vernacular, I passed the test in under 29 minutes. Confused the whole time due to the layman nature of the entire certification process. I went for a walk to shake off the feeling that I just spent my beautiful Saturday reviewing marketing principles from the early 2010’s. 

Final rating

One star. The HubSpot Marketing Software certification lacked anything I didn’t already know. It didn’t provide any helpful knowledge of HubSpot Markup Language – the one thin I wanted to learn.

Half of a star for being a shorter summary of the Inbound Marketing, Email Marketing, and Content Marketing courses I’ve already taken. Very convenient for anyone who doesn’t want to take these longer courses.

And another half for the certification. It’s free. I can put it on my resume. A useless waste of time for anyone with 5+ years of experience and already knows what they’re doing. 

I’m either:

A. Astonished that a manager would have this as a requirement or even a “Preferred qualification” in a job description. Or, 

B. Sorry that the manager isn’t aware of the insignificant knowledge this course provides for someone who’s been in the industry for over five years.

Hated it.

Credit: Oladimeji Ajegbile https://www.pexels.com/@diimejii